Following the server-breaking success of legendary drive-in critic and movie host Joe Bob Briggs’ “The Last Drive-in” dusk-to-dawn-to-dusk marathon in July of 2018, the Shudder streaming service gave the greenlight to two Last Drive-in holiday specials that would build up to a weekly series that would begin airing in early 2019. The first holiday special was the Thanksgiving-themed Dinners of Death, and the following month we got A Very Joe Bob Christmas.
The special begins with a clip of Joe Bob sitting outside at an actual drive-in theatre, reminiscing about his time as a singer/songwriter in Nashville. He had to give all that up – but thankfully, he sings a snippet of one of his songs before the scene comes to an end. I don’t think Joe Bob ever really had a singer/songwriter phase, but judging by the lines he sings of this song, he should have.
Following the title sequence, we catch up with Joe Bob at his usual trailer home set, where he starts off by talking about the holidays, addressing holiday depression and blaming issues on the fact that cranberry sauce is served for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, even though nobody likes cranberry sauce... Except that’s not accurate, because I like cranberry sauce. Then he gives his five-point Common Sense Rules for Getting Through the Holiday Season, giving viewers a nicer way to approach conversations with their family members, advising to never ask who made what when it comes to food on the dinner table, saying that you shouldn’t ask embarrassing questions about the football game unless all of the old men in the room are awake, giving the tip that you shouldn’t state what your presents are as you open them (just figure it out later and destroy the cologne), and revealing how to approach the divorces of family members: don’t mention them, because anyone not at the family gathering doesn’t exist.
After that, it’s time to start showing what Joe Bob refers to as the greatest Christmas horror movie ever made: 1979 classic Phantasm, which will be followed by three of its four sequels. Sure, they don’t actually have anything to do with Christmas, but the deadly spheres in the films do resemble Christmas decorations!
MOVIE #1: PHANTASM (1979)
Phantasm centers on 13-year-old Mike Pearson (A. Michael Baldwin), who discovers there are very strange things going on at the local mortuary, where the mortician – Angus Scrimm as a character known as the Tall Man – takes the corpses and shrinks them down into vicious dwarf slave creatures, which he then ships off to his red-tinted, rocky desert homeworld through portals that are similar to large tuning forks. As mentioned, the Tall Man has drill-equipped silver spheres flying around to take out anyone who stands against him, and he’s also able to shape-shift into the seductive Lady in Lavender (Kathy Lester) when he needs to take a more subtle approach to an enemy. The Tall Man intends to ravage our planet, and it’s up to Mike, his older brother Jody (Bill Thornbury), and their ice cream man friend Reggie (Reggie Bannister) to save us. Phantasm is an awesome movie, mind-bending and creepy. It may not actually be the greatest Christmas horror movie ever made, but it does rank up there as one of the best horror movies of all-time. Another low budget, independent production that became an instant classic, much like Night of the Living Dead and The Evil Dead... This one just doesn’t have Dead in the title. Except in the territories where it was released as The Never Dead.
The overall Phantasm franchise is deeply weird, with a mythology that comes off as convoluted because it operates on dream logic and gets overly complicated as the series goes on. Fans have plenty of theories about what it all means and what’s actually going on in these movies, but Joe Bob promises that any who pays attention and uses artificial stimulants while watching this marathon will understand the entire meaning of the franchise. Russian and Chinese officials have been studying the subtext for 30 years and haven’t been able to crack it, but Last Drive-in viewers will be able to. Yes, Joe Bob does recommend that viewers use the assistance of mind-altering substances while watching these movies, but he doesn’t advocate anything illegal. So while he recommends strains of marijuana for those in states where it’s legal, he also recommends alcoholic drinks for viewers in states where weed is frowned upon. These will allow them to reach Phantasm Nirvana. At one point, he recommends a strain of weed called Green Crack, so he has to give a disclaimer that he does not advocate actual crack. The only safe crack is the one that sticks up out of your underwear. Even though “the bafflement factor” on the first movie is only a 47 on a scale of 100, Joe Bob still recommends weed and drinks to accompany a viewing of it.
Joe Bob says he will be giving ridiculously precise Joe Bob Briggs commentary throughout the marathon, which is exactly what we tune in for. He gives the first Phantasm a perfect 4 star rating, which is exactly what it deserves, and also decides to name this series “The longest running horror franchise in history” because it told one continuous story over the course of 37 years, instead of rebooting or ignoring sequels like other franchises do.
When he breaks in for his hosting segments, Joe Bob discusses the careers of some of the cast members, like mentioning that Kathy Lester, does elaborate burlesque shows in L.A. and A. Michael Baldwin went on to write the movie Vice Girls. He talks about Coscarelli’s previous two movies and mentions that the writer/director got the idea for Phantasm from a nightmare he had where he was being chased through marble corridors by needle-equipped flying sphere. He theorizes about the spheres and about the Tall Man’s ability to project his consciousness. He mentions filming locations. He goes over the mind-boggling elements, which have been said to be elements that are shared with European surrealist cinema, when Coscarelli and his collaborators were just making up whatever they thought would be scary. He talks about the theme music and the composer, the fact that the movie initially got an X rating and had to be submitted to the ratings board four times before it got an R, and leads a moment of reverence for sphere designer Willard Green of Hollywood Turntable Rentals, who charged $1163 to make spheres, then died before movie was released. Apparently some theatres were rigged to have spheres fly over the audience during the movie, which would be cool to see.
Joe Bob says Phantasm was a hit when it was released in 1979, even though nobody understood it then and nobody understands it now. For example, American Film Institute categorized it as a comedy. Even with all of Phantasm’s success, Coscarelli’s most popular movie is The Beastmaster... or at least it was, back in the early days of cable, when The Beastmaster was shown all the time. These days, Phantasm might have finally been able to surpass it.
When Darcy the Mail Girl drops in to share viewer mail and reactions, Joe Bob has to address the fact that Phantasm isn’t really a Christmas movie. They go through list of Christmas horror movies and there’s mention of the controversy the killer Santa movie Silent Night, Deadly Night stirred up when it was released in 1984. But everyone goes through the Christmas horror movies in December. Joe Bob preferred doing something different, showing psychedelic escapist horror for the season of peace. A holistic, counterintuitive look at Christmas through the eyes of an insane person.
MOVIE #2: PHANTASM III: LORD OF THE DEAD (1994)
The marathon skips from Phantasm to Phantasm III – and while this was probably due to some kind of licensing issue and Shudder wasn’t able to secure the streaming rights to Phantasm II for whatever reason, Joe Bob gives a different excuse for the absence of the second film: he says it has been purposely left out because it features a scene that’s too disturbing to show. A scene where a 1971 Hemi ‘Cuda muscle car was destroyed, sacrificed for the sake of a movie stunt. Mentioning this allows Joe Bob to go on a lengthy rant about the rarity of Hemi ‘Cudas and the cars used in the Phantasm movies. Phantasm II may not be shown in this special, but Joe Bob did host the movie multiple times during his years on the TNT series MonsterVision, so if you want to watch the movie with his commentary, all you have to do is dig up one of those old episodes... However, you may not want to drop in a MonsterVision showing of Phantasm II while you’re making your way through the A Very Joe Bob Christmas Phantasm fest, because you’re going to be hearing the same stuff twice. To catch us up on what we’ll be missing by jumping from the first movie to the third, Joe Bob recites the entire Phantasm II hosting script from the MonsterVision days, so everything he said while hosting the movie before, he says again right here. To avoid repetition, the best approach to a Joe Bob Phantasm marathon would be to either watch Phantasm II without his commentary, then get his commentary in the Phantasm III Christmas intro, or watch a MonsterVision Phantasm II showing and fast forward through a bit of the Phantasm III intro.
Despite the destruction of the Hemi ‘Cuda, Phantasm II is a very cool movie, carrying on the weirdness and creepiness of the first movie while showing off bigger and better effects and action sequences – because that time around, Coscarelli had the backing of a major Hollywood studio, Universal. He had the backing of Universal on part 3 as well, but less, and it ended up being primarily a video release rather than a theatrical one. Phantasm II had more humor than its predecessor and Phantasm III increases the humor even more, which is something that didn’t sit well with some fans. Joe Bob gives the third film three stars, so it’s a star short of the original. It’s a decent sequel, with Reggie and a troubled adult Mike continuing to try to thwart the Tall Man a decade after the events of the original film, while a ghostly Jody lurks around and Reggie crosses paths with some new allies. It’s just really goofy.
For most of the hosting segments during this one, Joe Bob is joined by special guest Reggie Bannister, and it’s a lot of fun to watch these two interact. Reggie talks about how he got into acting, what it’s like to work with Don Coscarelli and “jam” on the scripts, what it’s like to fire a quadruple barrel shotgun, and finding the mausoleum filming location for Phantasm III while he was working at a flower shop, delivering flowers to crypts and mausoleums. At one point, Joe Bob gives a rundown of everything that has happened in the first three minutes so that Reggie can fact-check him along the way, and it’s quite impressive to see Joe Bob rattle off all these events. How did he keep all of that straight in his mind? Did he have cue cards with reminders, or has he just memorized these movies through dozens of viewings? The Phantasm movies have left many viewers baffled. As is said in the third movie, “Seeing is easy, understanding takes a little more time.” Reggie drops his own view into the mix when he says that the sphere is representative of the universe; the ultimate turned into the ultimate weapon.
Along the way, Joe Bob also talks about the cinematography and the fact that working with the reflective surfaces of those spheres causes headaches for the film crews, who can’t be seen in that reflection. He mentions an alternative ending that Coscarelli had in mind for part 3 – and since understanding this movie requires concentration, he recommends that viewers only have a low level buzz at first. Prescriptions for weed hits and alcohol shots come near the end of the film. This part of the marathon wraps up with Darcy the Mail Girl, in Reggie cosplay, delivering some viewer mail.
MOVIE #3: PHANTASM: OBLIVION (1998)
As Joe Bob notes, the first Phantasm was made on a budget of $300,000. For the second movie, Universal provided a budget of $3 million, and for the third movie, they cut the budget in half, bringing it to $1.5 million. With Phantasm: Oblivion (or Phantasm: OblIVion, to point out the Roman numeral IV is in the subtitle), Coscarelli went independent again, scraping together a budget of $650,000... But this return to independence worked out, because this turned out to be a great sequel. It may even be Joe Bob’s favorite Phantasm; he describes it as “the best movie of the whole series.” So yes, we’re back in 4 stars territory. Mike and Reggie are still trying to stop the Tall Man, while Mike gets glimpses into the past, future, and possibly even some alternate dimensions.
Before Joe Bob introduces the movie, he takes a few minutes to tell a Christmas story – since this is, sort of, a Christmas special, after all. The story involves his nephew Wilbur, who lives in a cardboard box and is associated with a character called Otis the Dyslexic Prophet, and how he celebrated the happiest Christmas of all. Joe Bob then branches off into talking about Mary, Joseph, and virgin birth.
Turning our attention back toward Phantasm: Joe Bob says that Phantasm: Oblivion may be his favorite of the series because it’s easier to understand the whole plot for a longer stretch of time. He also feels the movie features Angus Scrimm’s greatest performance as the Tall Man, and talks about the time he met the man, who seemed like he was much taller than Joe Bob, even though they were the same height, 6’4”. Joe Bob feels Scrimm seemed taller than he was because he had long limbs, and his height was accentuated in the movies because Coscarelli put him in small suits and had him wear lifted boots. He then goes into Scrimm’s history, from his acting career to his job of writing award-winning liner notes for albums.
Joe Bob is trying to figure out the rules and logic of the franchise, so he brings Reggie Bannister back out onto the set and has him tied to a chair. With a threatening silver sphere hovering nearby, Reggie is made to answer five questions and is given ten seconds to give a logical, rational answer to each one. If he’s not able to provide answers to three of the five questions, he’ll be drilled by the sphere. The questions concern the Tall Man’s ultimate goal, why bodies have to be shrunken into dwarf slaves, who controls each sphere, why the Tall Man is so obsessed with Mike, and why Reggie (the character in the movie) has so much trouble hooking up with the women he hits on.
As the movie goes on, Joe Bob expresses his appreciation of the fact that so many Phantasm scenes take place during daylight hours, and praises the cinematography. He explains how Coscarelli was able to get a shot of Scrimm walking down an empty Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles, covers the career of actress Heidi Marnhout, accuses the Poltergeist sequels of ripping off the Tall Man with their Reverend Kane character, discusses the unmade Phantasm sequel script that was written by Pulp Fiction co-writer Roger Avary, and goes off on a Sea Hunt tangent because the cannisters that contain the dwarves remind him of the air tank Lloyd Bridges wore on that show.
Phantasm: Oblivion builds up to an ending that Joe Bob believes is one of the greatest endings in horror history. Then Darcy brings in some viewer mail and gives some weed suggestions that are different than Joe Bob’s.
MOVIE #4: PHANTASM: RAVAGER (2016)
From one of the greatest endings in horror history we go to a movie that Joe Bob says was not a good flick to wind up the franchise with, as it brings up too many questions that can’t be answered and leaves too many loose ends dangling. I would agree with him; I have always found Phantasm: Ravager (or Phantasm: RaVager) to be a letdown. Still, I’m glad we got another Phantasm movie before Angus Scrimm passed away in 2016, even if things got convoluted and the small budget wasn’t enough for the amount of CGI they put in here. Joe Bob gives the movie 3 stars – and introduces it after he talks about the Peanuts Christmas special and gospel translations.
As we watch Reggie slip between dimensions and get terrorized by the Tall Man some more, Joe Bob points out the last scene Scrimm ever filmed as the Tall Man and confirms that he did get to see the final cut of the movie before he passed away. He also talks about membrane theory, parallel universes, super string theory, cast members, the fact that this movie took eight years of on-and-off filming to complete, and that it was the only Phantasm movie not directed by Don Coscarelli. Instead, it was directed by David Hartman, who wrote the script with Coscarelli (who also produced the film). Hartman became a Phantasm fan at the age of 7, in 1979, when he asked his mom to buy him a copy of Fangoria issue #2, which had an article on the making of Phantasm. Hartman met Coscarelli while doing FX on his “Elvis and JFK vs. a mummy” movie Bubba Ho-tep, and that led to the making of Phantasm: Ravager.
One of the new additions to the cast in this film is Stephen Jutras as Chunk, a “profane guerrilla warrior dwarf” – which Joe Bob feels is exactly the sort of character this series had been needing all along. And since Chunk is a little person, Joe Bob is inspired to start talking about dwarf bowling.
Along the way, Joe Bob is joined by special guest Gigi Fast Elk Bannister, who was the special effects supervisor on Phantasm: Ravager, and is married to Reggie. After the film ends, Joe Bob, Darcy, Reggie (who survived his earlier sphere drilling), and Gigi are joined by some dwarf slaves and music supervisor John Brennan for a Phantasm-themed take on the song The Twelve Days of Christmas.
The Phantasm movies aren’t Christmas movies, but Joe Bob managed to include plenty of Christmas content in this special, which I really enjoy watching. The Phantasm franchise has its ups and downs, but I’m a big fan of the movies and appreciate that A Very Joe Bob Christmas gives me the chance to watch most of them back-to-back with Joe Bob (and Reggie).
No comments:
Post a Comment